Plane Crash

Alam kong dapat nag-aaral/gumagawa ako ng cheat sheet for 146, pero hindi ko kaya. Something’s bothering me again, and basically, ang laman ngayon ng utak ko is something resembling of an inevitable plane crash: lumilipad pa rin yung eroplano, pero eventually, dahil hindi na kayang mag-hold on ng airplane, it will crash to the ground (or the sea), disintegrate, and perhaps burst into flames.

Hindi ko alam if kung ang nararamdaman ko ngayon is fear or anxiety, or perhaps paranoia, pero may nasesense talaga ako na something negative. Well, something negative is nothing different kasi yun ang madaling i-sense. Hindi ko sigurado kung tama ang nasesense ko, sana hindi.

Hindi ko rin sigurado kung tama ang mga pinaggagawa ko, baka siguro na-aawkward na siya sa mga actions ko lately. I’m not even sure if posting this blog entry is a good idea or not. May reasons rin ako kung ba’t hindi na ako masyado naghihintay, perhaps hindi ko masabi ng maayos since hindi talaga ako magaling mag-explain ng mga bagay-bagay. I’ve been experiencing self-doubts again, hindi ko alam kung may kinalaman ito sa high school past ko, pero alam kong the effects of it are still here: na sa akin pa rin. Puro mali na lang ba yung actions ko kaya’t may nararamdaman akong ganito? :/

Hindi ko rin alam if this is fate na ganito ang magiging kalalabasan ng aking buhay (so far). Magulong kausap, blunt, weird, crazy, etc. Maybe it’s meant to be na pang-acads na lang talaga ako, perhaps yun na talaga ang mission ko sa mundong ito — to do it on my own. Maybe it’s meant to be na mag-focus lang ako sa training for PACS, lalo na’t time-consuming siya next year na 9:30PM na akong makakalabas ng UP at who knows anong oras ako makakauwi ng bahay.

The brain is specialized such that yung tatatak lang talaga sa isip mo is what matters. Sa tingin niyo ba magpopost ako ng ganito kahaba kung wala akong pakialam? Syempre hindi diba. Itutuloy ko ang mga gusto ko sanang gawin, kahit hindi ko alam anong magiging results nito. Just like any other emergency involving airplanes, sa maraming situations, the crew will find a way to solve the problem and avoid the plane crash. Everyone doesn’t want a plane crash to happen, and so do I.

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