Saturation Point

Hindi ko alam kung anong gusto niyo gawin, at hindi ko alam kung ginusto niyo itong situation na pinasukan ninyo. These thoughts cannot be expressed in just 140 characters, it takes more than that. I mean, I try as much as possible na hindi magpa-apekto, kasi wala naman dapat effect sa akin ang mga pinaggagawa ninyo. Pero nandito na tayo, nagsisimula nang mandamay ng iba.

Kung sinumang makakabasa nito, ikaw na mismo ang makaka-judge kung ikaw ang pinapatamaan dito or hindi. I mean, pag nabasa niyo ito, mapapaghalataan niyo naman kung kanino naka-address ito.

First things first, ok lang naman mag-cut ng mga klase. I mean hindi ko naman sinasabing bawal mag-cut, pwede naman — minsan kailangan mo nga namang mag-cut para pagtuunan ng pansin ang mga ibang bagay. But this is too much. Tinitignan ko yung klase ninyo and…. wow. Mga estudyante pa ba kayo? If so, i-prove niyo naman. Mahiya naman kayo sa mga nagsisipag na pumasok to get as much info from their professors — kahit na sadyang mahirap na yung topic. Mga tao rin kasi ang mga professors, kung mawawalan ng gana, tayo rin damay-damay, wala tayong masyadong matututunan.

Wag niyong sabihin na dahil lang siya sa deadline. Kahit na wala namang deadline ganun pa rin eh. Siguro na sa ugali niyo na talaga, or sadyang hindi pa kayo marunong mag-time manage. By now siguro, there are some people na naabot na ang kanilang saturation point, at masasabi kong kasama na ako sa mga iyon, at sigurado rin akong kasama ang iilang mga professors diyan.

In the end, pabayaan na lang natin sila. Siguro yun na nga yung goal nila. Hindi porke’t PACS team ako kaya ko sinasabi ito. I mean, even the following advice applies to me, since alam ko naman sa sarili ko na kulang na kulang ako dito. Alam niyo namang pansin na pansin kayo eh, tapos biglang maging notorious tayo as “cut na lang ng cut, walang paki sa prof”.

Mag-effort naman kayo. Mahiya kayo sa mga dinadamay niyong nagsisipag at nagsusurvive para makatapos.

Settling Down

Yesterday has been a heck of a day, winning this year’s PACSiklaban in a close fight versus UPM. All of the teams that participated were hell good, ang galing. Pero noong napunta na sa difficult, we knew, I think thew audience knew too, na dalawa na lang yung naglalaban for 1st. Akala ko nga noong kalagitnaan na, makukuha na namin without any drama. Eventually, it became damn close, buti na lang we prevailed in the end. :)

Hanggang ngayon siguro nagcecelebrate pa rin yung mga tao sa pagkapanalo namin, kasi nga school pride di ba. I mean, dumagsa talaga yung mga mentions sa twitter and notifications sa FB noong nag-OL ako yesterday night. Kami rin siguro hindi pa tapos yung celebrations (baka tumaba pa ako due to these celebrations, at least). Pero eventually, just like every accomplishment, the realization will set in. Everyone settles down, back to their normal lives.

What now? What happens next?

Syempre there’s acads — hindi pa kasi tapos ang sem. Pero at least, I’d have more time — a lot more time — to accomplish requirements. At kasama na rin sa more time na yan ay oras para makatulog.

Ok, sobrang cliche nun, ano pa?

Run a marathon.

One thing na naituro talaga sa akin ng competition na ito, along with its preparations, is kung gaano kaganda ang maka-accomplish ng something na pinaghirapan mo. Those nearly 2 stress packed months, hindi ko makakalimutan yun. Pero trying to compare this and the marathon, yung PACSiklaban ano pa lang siya eh, parang 10k run.

This marathon na tatakbuhin ko, wala akong paki kung hindi niyo alam kung ano yun.  Basta ako (and perhaps you, the reader) may know what it is. And for me, nagiging malinaw na siya — I will run, even if I don’t know kung makukumpleto ko yung ~42 miles or not. Chapter 3 of the 2nd semester SY 2013-2014, here we go.

Imaginary Guillotine

These past few days felt like being in an imaginary guillotine, yung tipong may something na nageexert ng pressure sa neck ko, even if it doesn’t exist — at least physically. I don’t even want to put an introduction to this anymore, it’s a waste of time.

I want to have fun, again.

Akala ko nahanap ko na ang reason ko for being here, but then nawawala ulit ako. Parang group of knotted strings lang siya eh, hindi ko alam bakit nagbuhol-buhol, at hindi ko alam where to start to fix it. It could be a result of overthinking (most likely ayun nga), pero I can’t stop thinking.

As much as I need to study 154, I can’t.

Even though I study chemistry, I can’t seem to find the solution appropriate to my problems, and no, knowing the electrolyte, solute, solvent, concentration and even the volume of the solution won’t help. Maybe only I can find it.

At least a lot of people find their happiness somewhere, while I am here, typing in front of a laptop, trying to find it. Maybe, one of the billions of unfortunate ones in this world. And that answer could be……………

But I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Barely Breathing

Of course, this isn’t literal, or else na sa ospital ako ang not writing this. Do you guys get the feeling kung nagkaroon ka ng clogged nose, nahihirapan kang huminga due to mucus build-up?

It’s more of that kind of a feeling, yung alam mong hindi ka mamamatay, pero the feeling of barely breathing is there. Alam ko naman anong pinasukan ko, and I know what is expected. However, the expectations are exactly what is making me barely breathing. I don’t want to think much about the expectations, pero nandidiyan na yan. I’ll just have to get motivated, para maigawa ko ang mga kailangang i-achieve.

I’m really excited for February 23 to end. Sigurado naman after noon, makakahinga ulit ako ng malalim and do things like I normally do again. The lifestyle I’m having lately? Eek. Hindi na nga ako nakaka-aral pag-uwi dahil sa pagod. But despite that, gusto ko pa ring iparamdam sa lahat ng mga kaibigan ko, na I’m still present. Hindi ako mawawala na parang bula lang.

Barely breathing. Barely breathing.

Ok let’s stop this shit. Tatapusin ko na yung FR portion ko. Baka eventually mas lalo pa akong mahirapang huminga.

Plane Crash

Alam kong dapat nag-aaral/gumagawa ako ng cheat sheet for 146, pero hindi ko kaya. Something’s bothering me again, and basically, ang laman ngayon ng utak ko is something resembling of an inevitable plane crash: lumilipad pa rin yung eroplano, pero eventually, dahil hindi na kayang mag-hold on ng airplane, it will crash to the ground (or the sea), disintegrate, and perhaps burst into flames.

Hindi ko alam if kung ang nararamdaman ko ngayon is fear or anxiety, or perhaps paranoia, pero may nasesense talaga ako na something negative. Well, something negative is nothing different kasi yun ang madaling i-sense. Hindi ko sigurado kung tama ang nasesense ko, sana hindi.

Hindi ko rin sigurado kung tama ang mga pinaggagawa ko, baka siguro na-aawkward na siya sa mga actions ko lately. I’m not even sure if posting this blog entry is a good idea or not. May reasons rin ako kung ba’t hindi na ako masyado naghihintay, perhaps hindi ko masabi ng maayos since hindi talaga ako magaling mag-explain ng mga bagay-bagay. I’ve been experiencing self-doubts again, hindi ko alam kung may kinalaman ito sa high school past ko, pero alam kong the effects of it are still here: na sa akin pa rin. Puro mali na lang ba yung actions ko kaya’t may nararamdaman akong ganito? :/

Hindi ko rin alam if this is fate na ganito ang magiging kalalabasan ng aking buhay (so far). Magulong kausap, blunt, weird, crazy, etc. Maybe it’s meant to be na pang-acads na lang talaga ako, perhaps yun na talaga ang mission ko sa mundong ito — to do it on my own. Maybe it’s meant to be na mag-focus lang ako sa training for PACS, lalo na’t time-consuming siya next year na 9:30PM na akong makakalabas ng UP at who knows anong oras ako makakauwi ng bahay.

The brain is specialized such that yung tatatak lang talaga sa isip mo is what matters. Sa tingin niyo ba magpopost ako ng ganito kahaba kung wala akong pakialam? Syempre hindi diba. Itutuloy ko ang mga gusto ko sanang gawin, kahit hindi ko alam anong magiging results nito. Just like any other emergency involving airplanes, sa maraming situations, the crew will find a way to solve the problem and avoid the plane crash. Everyone doesn’t want a plane crash to happen, and so do I.

“Starting fresh”

Ang tagal ko na palang nag-post dito ano. But first things first, click on the homepage of this blog. Sa mga naka-access na dito dati, you may wonder, “O, ano nang nangyari sa mga dati mong blog posts?” Well to answer that, itinago ko na lahat yun. So there you go, a “fresh new” look to the blog.

Notice the intro? Yes, maniwala kayo, hindi na ito kasama sa intro. It’s just one damn paragraph long! Sinadya ko yun, but not for the purposes of starting fresh. No fucking way mawawala ang mahabang intro, wait no, actually, pwede, pero may transition yun.

This recently concluded sem was a roller coaster for me, not really on the acads part but more on the emotional part. I don’t know if it’s due to being a member of ACME starting 1st sem, or that (more on this on my next entry, to those who talk to me often alam niyo na yun) — most likely the latter one. Sa mga kalokohan/kagaguhan/katangahan na ginawa ko noong 1st sem, nagkaroon talaga ako ng wrong approach. May mga bagay na pinrioritize ko na hindi dapat, at may mga subjects akong pinabayaan talaga (looking at you, 145).

So ayan, may 2+ weeks pa ang sembreak na ito. Might as well “start fresh”, maghanap ng different approach sa mga bagay-bagay, and new perspectives too. So bakit linagyan ko ng apostrophes ang start fresh na yan? Well, pointless rin naman yung mag-start tayo ulit from scratch eh. Sayang naman yung existence ko sa mundong ito. Marami naman kasi akong natutunan along the way, in fact, I can say na nag-improve ako maturity-wise, even if alam kong I’m miles away from being a fully mature person. Ineembrace ko na lang itong mga pagkakamali to be better. :)

Just like the look of my blog now, I hope I can enter the 2nd sem in a clean sheet: walang pababayaang subjects, bawasan ang pagcucut, a more efficient way of balancing acads and org, etc. Of course, I try to remain open-minded. Different approaches, Different perspectives. More people to meet. What’s not to like, honestly? :))

Improving never stops. The only incident that ends yourself is death. Next.